Darkness

This world feels so cold and and empty and I am just completely unable to overcome the pain that is constant in my heart. Where do I turn when I am the only one who sees how broken I truely am??? How can I lift myself up when no matter how hard I look, I cannot find anything to grasp or to hold onto?

First one

Ok so I have a blog for my boys, to help them know me and maybe even get an insider view of what their childhood was like through my eyes, and mostly so they will know how much I have always loved them more than life itself, but I realise how helpful it is just to get it all out when your emotions are as heavy as a wet towel.
I am a single mother. One without real friends. No one I can just call and unload on when my heart is breaking or even when something exciting happens, however truly rare that is in my life. I have a mother and two sisters whom I am not, nor have ever been close to. I know for a fact that unless I am contributing to their life in some way, I am just a pointless waste of breath on this earth. My mother is the kind of person that has her opinions, and will never change them. Sadly she has an opinion about EVERYTHING, even when it has nothing to do with her. I especially enjoy the ones she makes even though she couldnt possibly understand them, like anything regarding being a single mother, since she didnt have to become one until we were all pretty much grown, and even after his death, my father supported us all. Now that it is just her and she is the only one she has to provide for, she is alone. I cant believe she could even remotly understand. Monetary reasons set aside, at least she had someone, anyone to go to for emotional support, someone to hold some of the weight, when your soul is just to heavy to bear. I have no idea what its like to have even that much help, I carry mine alone. ALways have. I have two sisters that are within a few years of myself so you would think we would get along, but both of them are married with a typical married family life just like my mother had.Both stay at home mothers and have husbands who worship them, None of them have a clue. I wish with all my heart that I was brave enough and had enough saved up to just take my kids and move away. I truly believe it would be less lonely if I were alone without anyone I know around, then to have a whole family in the same city that couldn't care less about me or my boys....well I guess it would be a lie to say they dont care about my boys but Im positive that it wouldn't affect them much if we left. No wonder so many single mother remarry so quickly, the idea of being saved from this life is often a temptation. Too bad I am not the kind of girl men look for...no knight in shining armor for me...I can do this alone anyway... I have to.....